this what that I hear
this bleating of sheep, this meh
why are they still near

Crutches are ok
but they're not forever things
except when they are

I don't clean my room
I can be more positive
Too much doom and gloom

*

It's like Groundhog Day
Because I've lived this before
and to you it's new

*

Nothing but the words
nothing but the words seem right
so neither do they

We are all fragments
of families, like Josef
and we all have dreams

** 1178 - 1181

A poem's line breaks
make the lines into cages
holding the meaning

---------------------------------------------------

Delmore Schwartz wrote that
it's the ego that's ALWAYS
in the driver's seat

Yes, my loneliness
I let you drive too often
Time I take the wheel

It's almost one year
and yet the grief for my dad
is still at the wheel

The things we don't know
about ourselves are sometimes
things all others see

In a rare move I want to write some background about this one.  I remember reading somewhere once in the name of CS Lewis that people spend years going to therapists to learn things that someone who met them for 5 minutes could tell them.  The question is if it would be heard.  Then the question is if it should be told. A process may be needed until the person can be made to hear or see something of themselves they prefer not to hear or see. Sometimes those things are clear to a few people, sometimes just to close friends, sometimes to anyone who meets the person for a few minutes, and yet the person doesn't know.  Sometimes the person knows and doesn't, suspects, but doesn't want to face it, pushes the truth away. Something happened recently - someone told me that something about me really bothers them and I must know about it and it must get in the way of my close relationships. It was uncomfortable for me to hear.  I didn't like the phrasing of the idea or the idea itself. Much more to say about this, but "I've said too much, but not enough..."

the endless pieces
we need to keep them in mind
to help humankind

Is there a record
regarding haiku writing?
Maybe I'll break it.

I'm wearing a mask
kept in a jar by my door,
dead sea mud. Really.

Breeze Haiku

I like all breezes
but the shore line ocean one
is my favorite

You're a gentle wind
so easy and lighthearted
a casual breeze

A tree is a tree
and a breeze will be a breeze.
Me? G-d help me please.

via haiku horizons

1170 - Written Late Mo"ShK In Bed Pre Sleep

I want the crop cream
But I let go of the dream
Accepting the mean

By definition
Unspoken means it's not said
or so say the words

Prompted By The Word Treat

Haiku Horizons
treated me to this challenge,
prompting me with treats

I used to hide treats
(barbecue potato chips)
underneath my bed

I would trick or treat
in my pre yeshiva days
back when i was five

I yearn for something
out of the ordinary
 to bring me pleasure

Our lives may be judged
by how we treat those people
who give us nothing

Treatment trickles down
from the boss to the worker
to the spouse, kid, pet...

1162

If in wanting me
you mean me you choose to see
then you don't want me

Eat lies long enough
they start to taste like the truth
Or so I've been told

And then in the end
Made your money, met your match
What does it all mean?

Say your opinion
but try not to say it like
it's the only view

1150-1158

May all our souls be
bound in the bundle of life
- even after death.

I can't be younger
than once, though I wish I was
- won't become younger

We can't grow younger
no matter how hard we try
or how hard we lie.

Questions and answers
coexist, and we must learn
to tolerate both.

Pain isn't simple
and pleasure isn't either
But comfort just lies

What's the point of points?
To kids points are the whole point
But then there's no point.

What is functioning?
I ask about this sometimes-
if I feel behind.

I stress stress too much
because it so gets to me
stressing me too much

Despite how it seems
the point has never been at
the tip of the pin

1149

Since he's upped and gone

I navigate and move on:

Life as an orphan

People get surprised
by how a fat man can dance
which surprises me

I truly wonder
could Billy have done better
with his Honesty

Suspended water
in clouds of tiny droplets
plays misty for me

While we chew one bite
we are thinking of the next. 
And that's how we live.

***

I am a letter
read me and get permission
I will let you be

***

My older father
turned into my grandfather
and then he moved on

***

Narratives go on
after characters have gone
short stories so long

sometimes we miss that
we're weak due to avoiding
that which makes us strong

Sometimes we assume
incorrectly, that we know 
who we really are

At my Facebook desk 
I sit here alone, hoping 
for something to change

*

Art is beyond words, 

even art that uses words

like these thirteen here

***!

Need to grow thick skin
If we ever want to win
Not sure that I'm in

Holy women prayed
Rochel cried and Chanah sighed
And that's how we're here

There's moving forward
And then there's sliding backward
There's no standing still

And yet:

Part of going up
is not sliding back down
- at least not as much

Shavuot morning
Up learning for the whole night
Praying at The Wall

----------------------------------------------------------

Up all night in love
next day students make comments,
"You're in a good mood."

**

Sometimes I'd rather
be alone alone than be
alone in a crowd

It all comes down to
if we're nice or if we're not
(putting it nicely)

For nine days we mourn
our not being allowed to
eat meat for nine days

*

There's a general
Named General Atmosphere
He is everywhere

Band aids are helpful
but not for open chest wounds
We'll need more than that

For as long as I
can remember I have been
quite particular

I worry about
my blind spots which I can't see
- which is all of them

It is beneath you
but that is not to say that
you are over it

* 1123

The mouth's tongue undone
time and again by the tongue
of the walking shoe

Excited then gone
that didn't last very long
I guess I was wrong

Living in my head
may be the main thing you do
in regard to me

Haiku of Darkness

It's time to breathe out
lie down, embrace the darkness
and call it a night

Just like a haiku
self proclaimed haiku masters
should not be too dark

I've named him Cliche'
the inside me enemy
my so called dark side

It starts with darkness
emptiness and unformed voids
...and G-d hovering...

Time to go outside
to face the darkness and cold.
It's time to head home

Light of Our Light, till
it shines like the morning sun-
brighten our darkness.

Darkness of the heart
can set in at any time.
It's wise to prepare.

Light, darkness, and peace-
some of your best work, thank you:
G-d, King of the world

I need to meet with,
the me that's me and not me
see my shadow me

Sunset to sunrise
that darkness is all we have
in between two days

Covered in darkness
the world becomes enlightened
by the word of G-d

Only through darkness

can there be light in contrast

up on center stage

Just like a haiku

self proclaimed haiku masters

should not be too dark

Kudos to HaikuHorizons

If you have to say
then it might not be the case
like, "I'm self aware."

*

I can think I can say
My parents are done dying
Then I see I can't

*** I like these

Take a look around
Gratefulness goes up and down
Though blessings abound

Collect my caution
from the wind, that's what I did,
after that I hid.

Episodes connect
for me- in my mind, my life,
a continuum.

17 Tamuz

The Temple means more
than we are able to grasp
-still, we have to try.

At least for today
His House deserves our crying
And some holding back.

More is often more
But sometimes the old saying
Is true: less is more.

It's a good thing that
Adam was attracted to 
Eve or we'd be dead

Tree Haiku

On the tree's branches
Bayside, 1970
Burnt Tefillin boxes

She hears a tree cry
She hears tears everywhere
But mostly the tree

Kudos to Haiku Horizons

1089-1096: Wall Haiku

A fly on the wall
is not what I want to be
I see too much now

Holy Temple Wall
over years you've seen it all
here I am with you

Holiness of friends
like the Western Wall itself
hovers and protects

Something beyond you
Beyond me and all of us
Supports me; my wall.

I breathe in chaos
I breathe out and knock it down -
The wall blocking peace

Walls can be broken

climbed over, or walked around

embraced obstacles

If I build a wall
then it's fair I pay for it
- goes for everyone.

Walls make me wonder

where do I lean my ladder
at least ideally

Kudos to Haiku Horizons

Birth parents and blood
A homelife only we knew
and yet vast distance

1087

I hear the silence
and I speak the unspoken
and I want you to(o)

I question questions
Am hesitant to ask them
More-so to answer

People ask me to
let them know what works for me
assuming I know

Netflix living room
NPR in the kitchen
My different spaces

1083

Nothing says lonely
like watching Family Feud
alone, 4 AM

Answer to Dr's Q

If I knew clearly
how my foot was when I fell
I wouldn't have tripped

So often we can't
see the weather. We feel it,
like our soul's seasons.

"Looking for someone
who styles Valley sheitels"
- a real, online post

Falling asleep is
like feeling a sneeze approach;
don't overthink it

It's a pain to wait
but sometimes it's worth waiting,
more painful not to

Before there were texts
There were the days of pretext
Reasons for calling

Don't let the blessing
of a simple person be
discounted by you.

Of all that I own
the hardest to get to own
is what I don't have

To me the question
is if Charlie Brown really
wants to kick the ball.

Question of a friend:

 Of course he wants to
If only Lucy would stop
Pulling it away.

My response:
Charlie, remember:
If you want to kick the ball,
there are other ways.

Words feel elusive
till the weatherman speaks of
"the warm up we want"

I pull and push you
I like you and resist you
I <3 Boundaries

It's hard to have a
personal relationship
with G-d (non-person)

This is my keyboard
These are my fingers, typing
This is my haiku

The way that children
Mark the years as they pass by
Is like nothing else

sunset to sunrise
our interval of darkness
in between two days

Lately I haven't
picked up the phone to call dad.
But I've wished I could.

*

When I think of you
in jealousy and anger
my thoughts are to blame

All we have is time
along with everything else
till the dream is done

The department head
sits texting during
meeting about caring more

Which one do we want;
learning or memorizing
which one do we do?

Real life has no script
Real life has no training wheels
Real life is improvised

A teacher smiles
in a crowd, alive inside
watching the movie

Boxes box us in
in metaphor and in life
even after death

Miracles happen
Then life goes on afterwards
And that's the hard part

There's no promise of
happily ever after
or happy enough

Like the butterfly
clasped by that smart little boy
we hold what we live

I took a sporange*

up with me to Mount Blorenge**.

Oh yes, I went there.

*In botany, the case or sac in plants in which the spores, which are equivalent to the seeds of flowering plants, are produced or carried.

** A prominent hill which overlooks the valley of the River Usk in Monmouthshire, southeast Wales. The summit plateau reaches a height of 1,841 feet (561 m).

Dad's body and soul
have broken up, and he's gone
finished with this gig

A student visits,
during his free, visits me,
we chill, and all's good

Dad's funeral's mud
is still stuck onto my shoes
even in the snow

Loneliness visits
when no-one else is around;
dear friend in disguise?

1052

No one wants to die
under the bus or even
to get thrown there once

I dream of being
totally honest, but I
have to start somewhere.

They said you're all heart
And I say that you're all soul
Now that you've gone on

Hired and fired
are one heartbeat, two letters
one from the other.

It was organic
when he called me Old Faithful
and vulnerable

Without its anchor
the ship now has no address
orphaned out at sea

Boredom and sadness

are two sides of the same coin

or maybe one side

My calling calls me
from the center of my storm
from my soul of souls

Grieving overtime
and praying that over time
I will get stronger

1035-1043

Saying you're less down
means to say that you're up, but
too down to say so

Spirit animals
seem to have eluded me
but not spirit friends

Articulated
is the right word for buses
with accordions

Sometimes what we need
is a nap and a blanky
then maybe some juice

Everything is breath
Exhaled to get blown away
We are breath from breath

Of all assumptions
My least favorite might be
Assuming we know

How best to express
that writing is rewriting?
Need to try again.

G-d is at the Alps
And here at Lincoln Plaza
Watching Paterson

Like other tall tales
Time is not an illusion
Dates and ages count

Maybe call it white
or black, instead of "the grey"
"grey" leads me astray